Sunny High 16

The Paradise Falls Chronicle is a proud affiliate member of the Central-Northern Ontario Independent Press Association.

Please address all correspondence and letters to the editor: Norman E. Wood, Editor-In-Chief.

This week’s Ask Shirley will not be focusing on any particular question, but rather will attempt a bulk reply to several related letters.

Lately I’ve noticed a distinct trend in the letters that people have been sending: secrets. I’m not sure what’s going on in Northern Ontario these days, but people sure do seem to be keeping a lot of secrets.

First we have Moody in Muskoka, who’s trying not to tell her best friend about sleeping with her husband. And then there’s Troubled in Timmins, who doesn’t want his parents to find out about a certain pornography collection under his bed. And let’s not forget Worried in Wawa, a high-ranking educator whose penchant for collecting the body hair in public restrooms could cause troubles with the PTA if it was ever discovered.

Shall I go on?

OK.

We have Screwed in the Sault, a “pure spring water” bottler who’s afraid of people finding out from which sewer his product actually comes. Botched in Bala, who’s simply afraid that her criminal record for fraud will come to light. There’s Kooky in Kenora whose concern about her fiancé finding out about a certain sex change operation a few years back, and I don’t think I can count the number of people who don’t want their illegitimate children to surface.

What can I say, dear readers, except that I am truly sickened by the amount of lying and deceit I’m finding amid the proud pines of our Northland.

My advice to you all is to take a step back and reevaluate your lives. Stop obsessing over people discovering your secrets and try to live a life that is shameless.

Let your conscience be your guide.

And to Dirty in Davenport: get a very good lawyer.